Where are the men?

I have been writing blogs and worrying about how I write. What I write. I realized this morning that it has been stopping me from writing what really needs to be said.  I was sexually harassed and assaulted in 1991.  One of my trusted mentors said don't be a victim when you talk or write, people won't like that.  I have been told, tell your story, but be careful.   And I agree.  But I don't think telling my story makes me a victim.  And telling the whole story just makes me honest.  Because I came forward in 1991 and brought charges against my employer and in doing so, other women came forward and we sued and won.  And I think you should know that.  I think you should know that I understand.

I remember I was scared and didn't know what to do and worse, I wasn't sure I should do anything.  I WASN'T sure that after being shoved and touched and further assaulted if I hadn't fought back and stopped him, was grounds for harassment.  Because everyone was worried about what would happen.  My managers didn't want the company or the vice president - who was doing the sexual harassment - to be mad.  My mother didn't want people to think I was "that girl".  Slutty for those of you that don't know what that girl means.  And I bought into this.  Maybe I was at fault I thought.  I was pretty and I like to dress in a way that made me attractive.  I was 24 and I didn't always trust that I knew what to do in the world.  I didn't want to lose my job.  I couldn't tell my boyfriend, because he would do something crazy.  And so I ignored it.  I ignored the dirty talk, the pinching of my arm.  I ignored the way he looked at me and the way he threatened other's jobs.  I ignored it until one night I was at work alone with him, quite by chance and I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I worked in a mall jewelry store and the gates wouldn't lock.  The key broke off and I couldn't lock the store.  Because of insurance reasons, I couldn't be there alone and I needed another manager.  I called all of them.  No one was home.  I finally called the vice president because he was the emergency call  in our procedures and he came - to rescue me.  I felt safe because there were others there, but then, he sent everyone else home.  I went in the back so that I wouldn't be near him and that's when he put his hand up my shirt and tried to kiss me and pushed is body on me and I kicked him and shoved him away and ran.  The locksmith knocked just as I got to the center of the store.  And I opened the door to him and ran to my car.  I quit a few days later.  It took me a while to tell anyone and even longer to be convinced I should do something.  But once I found out there were others, I knew I had too.   By the time it went to court, I was the mother of a daughter and my passion to make the world better was stronger than my fear.  We won the case.  We didn't win a lot of money,  punitive and emotional damages weren't available yet.   I was offered a settlement ahead of time that was 10 times what I ended up winning financially.  But I didn't take it.  And we won.  And it made a difference. I wanted to prove that this was happening and make sure others didn't have to go through it. I am not a victim.  I am a fighter. 

Sadly, it made a difference in that small microcosm of my world, but clearly based on what we are seeing, there are a lot of other worlds that didn't get touched.  And I think back and know that had there been someone to talk to or a culture that invited candor, honesty and support, I would have talked to someone.  Maybe I could have kept my job and kept the company and myself from going through a court case.  But the company put it's head in the sand.  They paid off women and didn't do anything to stop this man from his harassing of women.  Conversations have to be had.  We have to work to find ways to work together and have mutual respect.  And I believe that company's want to do just that.  I believe there are men and women that want to work on this issue and on how to deal with it in the workplace.   But we have to talk about it.  We have to tell our stories.  The #METOO campaign should say a lot to anyone that doesn't believe, doesn't see or didn't know that harassment is prevalent.  But let's not just stop with the campaign.  Let's be fighters - men and women alike and let's have the conversations so that you can get back to the business of your business. 

www.weeehelp.com - Workplace Ethics, Etiquette and Education.